Monday, May 26, 2003

i was walking back from jan's apartment at almost midnight tonight, and while strolling down 55th street in the dark, walking past Jimmy's -which has a jazz band in it tonight! i was tempted to stop by and listen to them but had no desire to be wandering back home alone at two am, in the dark, possibly a little under the influence- and down University, and realised that my feet know the way home through Hyde Park. i was literally on autopilot as i walked through, thinking about other things prompted by a riotous evening with the girls eating pizza and watching The Bachelor on tv [cable is your friend]. walking past the quiet, dark houses and realising that people do really LIVE in hyde park, all year round, and that it feels like home, exactly like walking home to my place in singapore after it's dark and the houses are all was such a great feeling, it made me feel so content to be here. the streets are absolutely quiet this time of the night; there are few if any cars on the road, and on most streets all the lights in all the houses are out, just like they would be at home at midnight, and i love walking at night -- it's so quiet that there's room for me to be and to think and be alone for a little while. i love the coming home, i never want to actually ARRIVE home because it's the coming home that i love. if the road outside my front gate back in singapore could be infinitely long, i think i would actually sometimes be happier -- because i'd be making headway, sort of, toward being Home, but at the same time, there's all this safe time between now and then that would allow me to think and be and be happy.

rachel and co were talking about their various proms and dances tonight, and while i sat there listening and feeling slightly left out because we don't have dances like that back home, i was remembering Prom back in 2000. i remember going prom dress shopping with first eun and then my mother, who insisted i try on the gowns even though i was adamant on buying a skirt and top; i remember loving the gown in the weird shade of shimmery green-blue that would be insane to match, and then buying gorgeous shoes to go with --of course at that point in time i couldn't handle wearing stilettos =) so i wound up with an insane heel instead. good thing tung is still a good deal taller than me. i remember gail and jan taking him shopping for his prom outfit to match the gown i'd already bought, and how they shopped for hours and wound up buying the first shirt he'd spotted -laugh- and who could forget getting to prom and having all the guys sit at one table, leaving all the girls to get along as best they could at the other table -giggle- oh that was so long ago! but sometimes it feels so fresh in my memory...

i've been moody and temperamental all weekend -apologies, janice, i will attempt NOT to collapse on your shoulder and be a stupid ninny- and it's awfully draining on my emotional energy reserves. why i make life so difficult for myself i haven't the faintest idea.

Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place
Suddenly it moves with such a perfect grace
Suddenly my life doesn't seem such a waste
It all revolves around you

i want to go back to the time when this felt real to me...


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