Wednesday, May 21, 2003

i've decided that the hours between dinner and ten pm are just a dead zone for me. i can't work hard during those times which really blows because i don't function well past midnight either, which means i have effective about three hours' worth of worktime everyday -- sometime in the afternoon plus two hours before bedtime. no wonder i don't finish my readings. but well, here i am, killing time before i hit Kai's movie at Doc, and maybe just maybe stop by swing for a little bit and dance a little. the advanced class is apparently at ten pm tonight, maybe i'll squeeze in a dance with my boys before coming back to work my ass off on problem sets.

before the depressing shit: i just watched American Idol -it's the final this week- and all i have to say about one Clay Aiken is that he is just the most amazing pop-tenor i have ever heard. he is also one guy who understands the limitations of his own voice and works so beautifully within them he makes me want to cry. in fact, the first song he did tonight came damn close to making me cry -- the bite marks on my knuckles will convince you of that. the only reason i didn't ACTUALLY cry is that it would have made me miss some of that beautiful beautiful voice, and i would sooner cut my hand off than do that. beautiful male voices are so rare in this messed up world -esp beautiful and reasonably goodlooking tenors- that it would be a total waste not to appreciate them while they're in front of you.

other than one clay aiken, though, it's been a crappy prior twentyfour hours. a three hour crying jag on monday night is Not A Good Idea, let me tell you, especially not when combined with alcohol in any form. for some reason i couldn't keep my shit together last night, wound up crying in my room, crying on rachel's shoulder, crying in my room some more, and then horror of horrors crying at the Pub. dear god, i haven't cried in public since the beginning of J3 when i wound up leaking tears in Yoshinoya on a weekday afternoon after work with eun --remember eun? i don't know if i ever thanked you enough for being there and helping me stay sane through those crazy times. yeah, yesterday was a bad evil day. but right now i'm sort of feeling numb/angry about everything and everyone, which though not the most healthy emotion in the world, is at least better than the unstable wreck i was last night. janice, you're an angel for trying to keep my spirits up -you succeeded, believe me, this afternoon, thanks babe- i'm really glad you're here.

i hate it when i feel like my life is out of control. when the work piles up and i can't find the motivation to work; when i feel crappy whenever i'm alone; when i feel like i need the sun to be out before i can feel even remotely happy and it rains for a week. i hate it when i stare into space and blank out on unhappy things, instead of chirpy -what shall i do this weekend- things. i hate feeling so last-chance-ish and...i don't even know what the words for the way i feel are. out-of-control. yes, i know, i'm an anal control freak, we established this last night on the phone, but i can't help it, i need to feel like i know what i'm doing. and right now, it's very hard to hang on to that belief that i know what i'm doing with my life.

on the upside classes are still going fairly well for me, though korean civ is putting an inordinate amount of unnecessary stress on my life because i really should be doing the reading and i know i should be doing the reading but i keep putting it off because i don't WANT to do it. i'd much rather be working on a problem set for econ or 'metrics -ok i'm sad, so sue me- instead. 'metrics is a lot less painful than i expected it to be, though that's not saying much because i expected it to be very very painful, so moderately painful isn't too bad by comparison. on the other hand [spoken like a true economist; mr R would be proud] i have a BITCH of a problem set for econ to tackle -- or more accurately i have one HUGE problem in my econ problem set that will give me nightmares and probably keep me up all night after i get home.

time to get productive. i'm reading a book titled Think No Evil right now and it's apparently about the lack of a conception of 'evil' in korean society. the notion of a dichotomy between good and evil doesn't seem to exist in korean society, or so the author would like to argue. i'll see if that argument works out; in the meantime it's sort of interesting to think about how sometimes what's missing/omitted/unnecessary in a language is so revealling of the society that created it. and how sometimes language has the ability to shape how society grows/functions.

i'll leave you with one of my favourite songs in the world --

'i love the time and in between
the calm inside me
in this space where i can breathe
i believe there is a distance i have wandered
to touch upon the years of
reaching out and reaching in
holding out holding in

i believe this is heaven for no one else but me
and i'll defend it 'long as i can be
left here to linger in silence
if i choose to
would you try to understand'

--Sarah McLachlan


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