Wednesday, October 22, 2003

i love dancing so much because it's one of the few arenas where i'm allowed to be a girl. it's perfectly fine for me to be a Follow, to be Told What To Do. it's a perfect place for me to say that my job is to make my lead look good, because that's what it IS. when some guy tells me -'Jeanette, you make me look good! you make it look easy!' i can just smile and nod and accept the compliment and say 'Just doing my job!' and mean it. i can be girly and coy and wear swishy skirts and play with the music on the dance floor, and none of my leads look at me like i've an extra head because i've decided to be female for a little while. i guess i've just built a reputation even here in chicago as a guy rather than a girl. -shrugs- and most of the time i don't care, but sometimes, especially when i'm tired and it's late and it's dark and it's cold and all i really really want is to be home, in bed, with a good book and a mug of hot chocolate, and i know that what is really going to happen is a long-ass meeting, a cold walk home alone in the dark, and then a ton of undone homework sitting on my floor...then it sucks. it really sucks.

don't get me wrong, it's great to be treated as 'one of the guys' most of the time. but sometimes i am led to wonder if i were a little bit -ok a lot- more xiao jie, a little bit less -i can take care of myself-, a little less arrogant and self-assured and pseudoconfident, my life would be a lot simpler. a lot easier. a lot more -taken care of-.

but i have no time to ponder that now. homework awaits, in its monstrous pile on my floor; and there is so much to do that i don't think sleep is an option anymore. it's encouraging that i still care enough about my academic life that it doesn't seem to be a BAD tradeoff between sleep and work.

and emily left me a brownie on my bed. that, my dears, may well be the turning point of the night.


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