Sunday, November 23, 2003

Lament

Everything is far
and long gone by.
I think the star
glittering above me
has been dead for a million years.
I think there were tears
in the car I heard pass
and something terrible was said.
A clock has stopped striking in the house
across the road...
When did it start?...
I would like to step out of my heart
and go walking beneath the enormous sky.
I would like to pray.
And surely of all the stars that perished
long ago,
one still exists.
I think that I know
which one it is --
which one, at the end of its beam in the sky,
stands like a white city...

Rainer Maria Rilke

outside the sky is a leaden grey, smothering the city with a fog the colour of dust and gloom. i can't find it in myself to smile, even though i walked fifteen blocks in the semi-warn mist of rain to a brunch and home again. the bad weather seems here to stay, and with it the misery of work unleavened by sunshine and walks by the lake and random wanderings on campus, meandering my way around with no real purpose except to be outdoors. and sometimes, on days like these, i miss living in the dorm, when company to wash my mood away was only seconds from my door, and i could simply run down half a flight of stairs to find the friends who always manage to either cheer me up or join me in my misery. and i could sit in the dining hall with someone else's newspaper, and drink cup after cup of coffee with too much creamer and sugar to cover the truly awful taste of bad coffee, and hide from a reality filled with work, and homesickness, and being too far away from all the people and things i really honestly love with every bit of me.

but perhaps the misery of work isn't really a misery, since i am doing what i love best -at least for now- and i don't have to face the different reality - the reality of being a functional and useful person in society, instead of someone living in the Ivory Tower that is college, and idealistically believing that she can, in some small but perhaps useful way, change the world by what she does. and company isn't so far away - a couple of blocks, or a cellphone-call away. and home, soon, very soon, though before home, people i love : come thanksgiving week, and finals week.

in the meantime: coffee, and more reading, and perhaps even more coffee.

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