Sunday, November 02, 2003

That Way Madness Lies

i feel like Macbeth after he's unable to sleep and his brain is falling apart and he's going psycho. it's not been the most stable of weeks for me and my system is finally rebelling against the abuse i've been putting it through. last night i had the most horrific set of nightmares involving almost everyone i know here at the U of C [ok maybe not but close enough; all the usual major players] and running away, and i woke up feeling even more exhausted than when i went to bed, in tears. as if i wasn't already tired enough. sometimes i think this school demands my soul as well as my intellectual effort. i don't think i've looked forward to going home quite as much as this since fall quarter my first year, right after i got here. it's ridiculous.

i also have a midterm in Intro to IR to study for, and am slowly realising that although i will manage to finish all the required readings, i might not be any more prepared for it after than i am right now. it's a terribly depressing thought and a really frightening one for me since i have essentially not been too worried abt any kind of exam since i don't know when, really. at least not in a 'i totally don't have a clue' kind of way. even econometrics was sort of ok, since i knew what to expect from it. i really am so much happier with paper writing as opposed to taking exams, this whole midterm in a paper-like class is a real bitch. much more so than my theory midterm on monday which worries me not at all.

speaking of theory classes: i was at a Bach concert last night -involving a real harpsichord instead of a fortepiano, which was cool, in a dynamic-less, i-have-to-concentrate-to-hear-it sort of way- and was thinking to myself abt how i sort of appreciate it more for the conceptual underpinnings the theory class is starting to give me and that i appreciate the theory class precisely for those conceptual underpinnings. i like learning things for a reason, and i hated theory lessons back in the day when i was taking them because they seemed so POINTLESS. like, ok, i do this, i build a triad, so? but now i know abt the whole overtones thing of the major triad; i know abt tertiary harmony; it makes things a lot more comprehensible and helpful and...logical! my theory class is really the one class that makes me super happy despite the shitload of work it involves, almost constantly. it is like taking another language, only tons more fun. it's just so ironic that something that i used to dread has become something i voluntarily take, enjoy, work at, where i used to avoid it, never did my homework, despite having really little of it, and stuff like that. i still hate writing counterpoint because of the rules, but simultaneously appreciate how the rules make it so much easier by limiting the possibilities.

figured bass lessons start next week.

back to studying for my Intro to IR midterm. hope i don't pass out from irritation!


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