Saturday, May 07, 2005

endings

i was sitting in my living room watching tv earlier this evening when it struck me: in just a little over a month, this living room -this bedroom, this kitchen, this apartment- won't be mine anymore. in just another month my undergraduate career will be over, and i will be moving back home.

it's a very unsettling thought.

i guess i am mostly ready to be done with college, and probably getting less ambivalent about moving back to my old room in my home in Singapore. after all, i really do like my room at home. (i liked it more before the mango tree that shielded my window had to come down.) but the closer i get to leaving, the more i worry about adjusting back to life in Singapore: a place where i don't know where to buy groceries, where there are no farmers' markets to get maple syrup and jams and breads on the spur of the moment, where i don't know how to cook the food (believe me, i really do need to learn how to cook something other than italian food and 'asian' food out of packets). where i don't know where i will wind up working, and how i will get there, and what i want to do. i worry about going back to school, and i worry about not going back to school. it's a long list of worries. i try not to think about them too much, but sometimes, when i'm sitting here in the apartment just doing what i've done for the last almost-two years, it hits me.

soon, i'll be done, and i'll be out of here - out of this apartment i love, and this city i've learned to love, and away from this college that has been my second home for four years. and -oddly enough, this really saddens me- i'll be back in a land with no seasons -with no winters, and no falls, and no springs.

6 Comments:

At 5:44 PM, May 07, 2005, Blogger perception said...

*hugz* don't be sad, and don't worry so much... what will be, will be. find me(us) for lunch/tea/dinner sometime?

btw, the heat is nearly unbearable here now, so expect at least a 2-week acclimatization period when you're back in the middle of the year. =)

 
At 10:41 PM, May 07, 2005, Blogger Tym said...

I totally identify. I had a similar epiphanic moment about a month before I exited the US on a student visa for the very last time.

I think perception is being optimistic. It took me about a year to get acclimatised, and that was just for the weather. The politics, the people, the food --- that took a lot longer.

But the acclimatisation will come. And if it doesn't, it just means that maybe the changes wrought in you these last four years ran a lot deeper than you realised.

Either way --- Singapore, Chicago --- the sad truth is you can never go home again.

 
At 1:16 AM, May 08, 2005, Blogger Readymade said...

start thinking about moving out when you return to Singapore?

 
At 3:44 AM, May 08, 2005, Anonymous jan said...

oh it's okay hun, we'll be all part of the same transitional gang.

we can make it better by having great big cookouts in the heat and driving incredible distances to find good syrup, chutney and goat cheese.

i'll even make a turkey again to raise morale. i refuse to feel sad about leaving.

 
At 1:29 PM, May 08, 2005, Blogger J. said...

perception: i certainly will track you down for some serious catching up when i get home late june. =)

tym: it really is the same old problem of 'you can never go home again' or 'you can't step in the same river twice' -- every new place you go to, every new thing you see or experience changes how you see old places and past experiences. i guess i will get used to living back home again -it just won't be the same home as the one that i carried inside of me the last four years. but that's life, innit?

readymade: no way. =) mom would disown me if i moved out! i'm back in the old parental home until i'm married, i guess.

jan: if you are volunteering to make a turkey, i am not going to turn it down. that turkey remains the very pinnacle of all my turkey eating experiences. it is the Platonic turkey. if you make that turkey again, i will make accompanying side dishes, including shum's incredibly yummy sweet potato casserole. deal?

 
At 1:11 PM, May 09, 2005, Blogger Packrat said...

Well...I agree with the adage 'you can never go home again' in the sense that no matter where you go, it'll never be "home". Coming back to Singapore reinforced that and returning to Australia did the same as well. S and I have effectively become nomads. :)

 

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